Feel Myself Surrender: Lila/Hudson

**Yippie-ki-yay** · 06-16-2010, 06:10 AM

Feel Myself Surrender

Past/Present; Reserved/Open
Present/Reserved
Characters:
Lila Barnes ; Hudson Sadler
Location Details:
Stainless steel. Wide, large windows. Cold, tiled floors. Black and white are the dominant colors for the furniture, walls and floor. Everything is pristine, crisp and in the latest modern style. In all, there are three bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, a study, a den, living room and two car garage. This is Lila's home, and she shares it with her fiancé, Keith Cordae. And perhaps more importantly of all, the walls of this place are very thick, so Keith's explosive temper is muted by plenty of plaster and concrete and panneling. Hudson does not come here often, but it seems that both he and Lila have something significant they want to share.

**Yippie-ki-yay** · 06-16-2010, 06:55 AM

Hudson Sadler

Hudson was feeling sick to his stomach.

As a man who'd had such an enviable lack of physical maladies over the course of his lifetime, he was rather caught off guard by the sensation. Of course Hudson knew what the source of his stomach ache was: he was standing on the doorstep of a house he'd been to once in his life and had concluded that was one time too many. The entire townhouse was a 360° reminder of the man Hudson loathed in such a way that it literally made his teeth grate together. It was precisely the sort of place you'd expect from a man like Keith Cordae...overly ornate, posh, sophisticated, reeking of money. A veritable middle finger shot up in the air at all the poor lowly mortals unable to afford a pure cherry wood floorboard from his precious study.

But Hudson didn't despise Keith for his wealth. That was circumstantial. Hudson liked plenty of people with money, least of all being Brian Callaghan. No, he hated that man for being the cause of the bruises he'd seen on the arms of the woman he loved. He hated that man for trying to break Lila's spirit. He hated that man because he had everything, and his fiancée's involuntary flinching at loud noises proved that he didn't deserve a speck of it. Hudson became conscious of his racing pulse as he stood on that doorstep, and he closed his pale eyes in an attempt to calm himself. Going into this conversation half-cocked was the worst possible thing he could do, so he loosened his balled fists and smoothed his hands on his jeans.

If you love her—then you have to tell her the truth, Hudson. You have to.

It wasn't his own voice he heard giving this advice: it was the original speaker's, Brian Callaghan. Hudson would've found it easier to ignore if it was his own conscience telling him he had to give up his one big secret to Lila, but the certainty on Brian's face made it impossible for Hudson to move his rooted feet from their spot on Lila's doormat. Because deep down he knew the Irishman was right. Of course he was. There had never been any doubt in Hudson's mind. That didn't make his upcoming task any easier, though. How does one reveal to the object of his affection that he's a murderer? More importantly, a murderer and a fugitive?

It was this very moment Hudson had envisioned that had made him hesitant to pursue Lila. He'd known the day would arrive when he'd have to sever ties, and he'd figured it would be easier if there just were never any ties to begin with. Now here he was, standing at the door of the fiancé of the woman he loved, preparing to give it all up. Keith wasn't home; Hudson had known that before coming over. Maybe this would be a lot easier if Keith actually had been home. Then at least Hudson could have distracted himself by punching the Yankee's chiseled, smug, asshole, abusing face. Fuck all, what kind of person was Hudson that he'd prefer beating up a man to holding a conversation?

We don’t lie to the ones we love. You must have known that this wasn’t going to last very long before someone found out. Do you want Lila to find out who you are from a policeman or the evening news—or do you want her to hear it from your own lips? You owe her that much.

"All right, all right," Hudson muttered under his breath to the imaginary Brian Callagan. "I'm gonna do it. Jesus Christ." He shoved his hands into his pockets for a moment, finding a certain measure of comfort in the claustrophobia of his skin against the jean material.

If she loves you as much as I think she does—who you are, and what you’ve done in the past won’t matter.

Fuck, he hoped Callaghan was right on that call. Making a fist, he knocked twice at Lila's door, the steadily increasing thud of his heart against his ribcage making his stomach churn once again.

**The Dusty Duo** · **Blogger** **The Dusty Duo** *is that latin?*

OOC: Hope u don't mind this coming so soon dahling

Lila Barnes

Positive.

The test had been positive, the plus sign in the small window of the wand she’d held in her hand a stark, unmistakable blue. The first thing Lila had done after seeing this, was open the second of three pregnancy test boxes she’d bought at the drug store. It was mistake. A mistake, that’s all…she wasn’t pregnant. She would have known if she was pregnant, she would have felt it…she supposed. Seeing the second blue cross made Lila’s heart start to thud so hard she could feel it pound against the surface of her shirt. No…no, no, God no… By the time the third test showed her the third cross she’d been crying. Blue = Positive. The instructions on the back of the box were simple and clear. 3 pregnancy tests with expiration dates months away with the same result; she really was pregnant.

After taking the boxes and tests out of the house in a plastic bag to throw away in the park dumpster across the street (because it just went without saying that risking Keith seeing them whenever he came back was out of the question), Lila came back and thought long and hard about her situation. Then when that didn’t help she went to bed, woke up and then tried thinking longer and harder about it. When all that did was make her head hurt and she had to stop thinking to throw up, she cried some more afterward. When of course, that didn’t help either, Lila finally decided to try and think things through rationally (as rational as the situation could be, considering).

The baby was Hudson’s, that she knew without question; Keith had been gone a month and a half at least to date and even then the two of them hadn’t made love for a few weeks prior to his leaving. Thinking a little harder and guesstimating when her last period had been, she realized that there was the possibility she could have been around two months gone already. This realization threatening to send her into another fit of panic, her mind moved on. Now that she was pregnant and knew who the father was the only thing left to do would be to tell him. The prospect of this didn’t necessarily scare her (unlike Keith absolutely nothing about Hudson had ever frightened her), rather Lila found herself almost unbearably anxious about what his reaction to the news would be. He loved her, she knew, but up until then this love had existed solely on the basis of the affair the two of them were in. Telling him she was pregnant would require him to think and do more than just love and make love to her. Hudson was a quiet but passionate person she could tell had always been his own man; what if he didn’t want the immense responsibility that came with having a child? I’d be alone… Lila soberly realized. She couldn’t possibly convince Keith that the baby was his and he’d never want her when she was pregnant with another man’s baby, so if Hudson abandoned her she’d be all alone. But he wouldn’t do that, Lila immediately assured herself with a shake of her head. Hudson would never do that to me… She’d tell him she was pregnant and even if it was news he didn’t like Hudson would stay with her. Letting her mind come around to this idea, the first and most poignant thought that had sunk in made Lila’s stomach drop just as much as finding out she was pregnant had;

It would mean leaving Keith. For good.

Contrary to what most people would probably have thought (and even though she now knew she was pregnant with another man’s baby) this wasn’t a no-brainer question for Lila. He loved her. As if silently reasoning with one of the many people who’d thought the worst of him and how he treated her Lila knew, she absolutely knew that Keith loved her. And she still loved him. It wasn’t just as simple as that, deciding to leave; the two of them had been together for the past six years. Six years. Lila supposed part of the reason she’d never seriously considered leaving before was because she’d been with Keith that long. Ever since leaving Pelahatchie her life had revolved around Keith Cordae’s. No family, no lasting friends or any other man ever; looking back on it all she realized that in all those years he’d been the only person she could say she’d had in the world. The thought of suddenly not waking up next to Keith, talking to Keith or even seeing Keith at all after 2,184 days of doing all these things and more had been almost impossible to imagine. And even now, now when Lila knew what she had to do, it still was.

If you’d tried once…if you’d tried just once to stop things from ending up this way this would never have happened, Keith, Lila thought to herself remorsefully.

But he hadn’t. Every time she’d tried to reach out to him no matter how many times he hurt her Keith just (literally) pushed her back; again and again and again. Only this time he’d pushed her for the last time into another man’s arms and couldn’t have her back—he just didn’t know it yet. Well he’d know soon enough; Lila’s mind was made up. In a way, before she’d even known she was pregnant, she supposed her mind had already been made up. Being with Hudson these past few weeks had felt like fresh air to Lila, as if she was living an entirely different life. If she didn’t choose him she would keep on suffocating in this all too familiar life with Keith. She couldn’t do it anymore; no matter how much she loved him she just couldn’t go on like this. Something had to change.

It took half an evening of sitting on the living room couch of thinking how best to break all this to Hudson. It was the weekend and ordinarily that meant she’d be at his apartment right now, but this morning’s sudden news had put that off indefinitely. A phone call would probably be easiest, but probably not the most tactful by far; telling one’s lover they were pregnant was hardly the kind of news to share without the benefit of at least eye contact. Lila looked at the clock on the adjacent wall with a sigh. 10:30. It was late and Hudson probably wouldn’t want her to go out this time of night just to see him by herself, but she honestly didn’t think she could wait until tomorrow. Now that her mind was made up it was just something she wanted to resolve as soon as possible.

The sudden knock at the door made her jump (as did all sudden and especially loud noises, though she had Keith to thank for that). Looking again at the clock then back at the door as she paused, Lila wondered who in the world could be coming to see her at this time of night. Getting up and slowly walking to the door, she peeked tentatively through the peep hole then simultaneously let out a short sigh of relief and furrowed her brow in confusion.

She opened the door and saw Hudson standing there, the expression on her face still a little bewildered as she murmured, “H-hi…” There was a brief pause as she managed a small smile and stepped back a little to let him in. After she closed the door behind him, Lila hesitated, the recollection of what she had to tell him coming back to mind then finally came forward and slipped her arms around Hudson in a hug. The embrace was light, both on her end and his, though Lila was only aware of her own tentativeness at the moment. After pulling away she made no regular attempt to kiss him but instead turned and led him back into the living room. Easing down on the sofa, she began, “I’m sorry I haven’t—that we haven’t spoken much this weekend, I’ve been a little busy,” It sounded just as stupid an excuse as it was, but her rigid nerves were making this harder by the second. “Actually….I think there’s something we should talk about, Hudson,”

As if it would make it any easier, Lila inched closer to her lover on the sofa, trying to go on, “I-I know that things haven’t exactly been clear between us when it comes to…this. I know that my still being with Keith has upset you, and that I may have been being unfair about our relationship in that respect, but,” She reached out and slipped her fingers inside Hudson’s comparatively huge hand sitting on his knee. “I just wanted to tell you that I feel like I’ve been wrong about all of that,” She paused for a another moment, the words she’d been preparing to say leading up to this now failing to materialize in her head. Um… I’ve been sitting here thinking when to say this, how to say this and how much of it to say so much that I…wow, I guess I just don’t how to say it now,” Lila managed an anxious light smile. “D-did you have anything you wanted to talk to me about in coming over? Why don’t you go first?”

**Yippie-ki-yay** · 07-08-2010, 03:05 AM

Hudson Sadler

"Lila, there's something I should tell you."

"Listen, we need to talk."

"I have some news, and it's not going to be easy to hear."

"I got something I gotta say, baby."

Even in his head, these words sounded stupid. None of them even remotely hinted at the shattering, deadly responsibility he was carrying on his shoulders. Hell, he was pretty sure his posture was beginning to actually reflect the metaphoric weight of his secret. Hudson stood at Lila's door, and he allowed himself a brief moment to consciously conclude that this was the single most difficult task he'd ever undertaken. More difficult than being escorted out of the courtroom following his sentencing. More difficult than looking around at his mother's funeral and realizing he was the only one in attendance. More difficult than leveling that barrel at Cris Meyer's chest and squeezing the trigger of his dead brother's handgun. More difficult than swallowing that tremulous breath before putting his escape-from-Kilmarnock plan into motion. Hell...it was probably more difficult than pressing two scarlet-streaked fingers to the soft spot at the crook of Gavin's jaw and realizing there was no thudding pulse to be felt.

Hudson had to tell the woman he loved that he was a liar. And a murderer.

To be perfectly frank, he had never envisioned himself in this sort of situation. If he'd been another person looking in on the events preparing to unfold, he'd probably comment that it reminded him of some terribly tragic soap opera scandal. Mid-twenties Hudson would have balked at the idea of falling in love while secretly living the life of a fugitive on the South coast of Britain. He'd sooner turn on the television and watch a similarly themed melodrama on one of his mother's made-for-TV movie stations than read about it in his diary. (Not that he kept a diary.) The point of all this was: he hardly felt like himself when he clenched his hand into a fist and knocked on the door.

The sight of her at the door was enough to momentarily put all those figuratively drowning emotions at bay.

Lila was perfect. Just so utterly...angelically...radiantly...perfect. It was the sort of thing Gavin would have laughed at him for saying, but the truth of it was undeniable. Allotting himself half a second's worth of fantasy, he imagined that in some beautiful alternate universe where he and Lila could grow old together, he would have this same thought every time he looked at her. Reality crumbled back into place when he registered the expression her features were forming: pleasant surprise, yes, but a certain amount of discomfort as well. By contrast, Hudson's face was shockingly neutral. His wide mouth hovered in a straight line below his long, thin nose. Eyes that were always some nautical shade now stewed in a murky blue-gray color as opposed to their typical aquamarine hue. He swallowed thickly, abruptly and inexplicably mindful of the unshaved five o'clock shadow that coated the lower half of his face and extended down in dispersing resilience along his neck and throat. It was significantly darker than his dirty blonde, sun-kissed hair and had made more than a few casual acquaintances ask if his lighter, typically disheveled mane was a store-bought color.

Why was he thinking about this right now?

He didn't verbally respond to her greeting, only managing a small upwards curve of his lips. His attempt at a smile was gallant and almost successful, but it mattered little when she reached up for his broad shoulders and embraced him. The hug itself was casual, almost uncomfortably so, and if Hudson hadn't been so wrapped up in his own predicament he would have realized that Lila was troubled as well. He knew something was off, though, when the hug was not followed up by a kiss, even just a brief, reassuring one. He followed her with his eyes as she started down the hall, and if at all possible it seemed like the compressing feeling in his chest was getting tighter as the distance between them increased. Then he started after her.

It was literally a half-dozen steps to the living room, and yet as his boots clunked heavily against the hardwood floor Hudson couldn't help but be reminded of his journey down the corridor of Kilmarnock's C Block. Sudden, unexpected, imaginary pressure squeezed his wrists, and for one horrifying moment he looked down at his hands with heart-stopping confidence that he'd see them draped with metallic chains. There were no handcuffs there of course, but the high-end expensive walls of Lila's hallway were almost the same shade as the paint used in Kilmarnock. The dead silence was too similar to the sound of solitude that had surrounded him the first time he'd been thrown in the Hole for being on the wrong end of a fight in the cafeteria. The feeling of claustrophobia returned with a vengeance, and he had to stand in the doorway of Lila's living room for a moment just to catch his breath as she, oblivious to his brief lapse in reality, took a seat on the couch.

Hudson did the same, sliding onto the safe, soft tan cushion and fiddling with a hole in his jeans. It stretched along his kneecap, splitting into fine strands of brown and blue with enough space in between to blatantly see the deep golden skin beneath. Kids in Rutherford paid thirty extra quid to get this look for their jeans; for Hudson it was all part of the job. Balancing on your knees for an hour and a half to fix a leaking pipe was a much more cost-efficient way of being stylish, he decided ruefully...completely aware of the fact he was letting his mind stray to the topic of clothing in order to avoid the task at hand. Lila had to realize he was stalling, didn't she? Wasn't that why she was looking at him in that way? But no, instead she began talking as if lost in her own thoughts: she apologized for being absent, which was a mistake for which they could both be faulted recently. And she told him there was something they needed to talk about.

In most relationships—was it politically correct to call what they had a relationship if she was still engaged to another man?—those were the words that any lovestruck half of a couple dreaded hearing. I think there’s something we should talk about, Hudson. What isn't typical in a relationship is having one half of that couple immediately tense and wonder if the police would be breaking down the door in the next twenty seconds. She knows, he decided without hesitation. She knows, Brian told her, she knows and she's telling me she has to turn me in. Never mind the fact that that really made no sense whatsoever: if she'd known, why had she even let him in the door in the first place? But the sweat was already gathering on his palms, and he absently wiped them on his thighs as he stared at her. Fuck. She knows.

The words that left her lips, however, contradicted that conclusion, as did the fingers that she intertwined with his when she reached over to hold his hand. He blinked mutely at her before looking down at her delicate appendages, his overwhelming panic ebbing away as he slowly realized she hadn't turned him in. Didn't know his secret. The feeling that swarmed in his belly didn't really feel like relief, though. Fuck, it probably would've been easier if Callaughan had told her, he decided cynically, broodingly.

Her last question surprised him more than it should have. He blinked again, feeling dazed after her (rather endearing) rambling as he comprehended the fact that she wanted him to go first. It seemed that she too had news, though what kind of news could even come close to comparing with his, he couldn't imagine. Now she was sitting next to him, closer than before, and looking at him with wide, expectant eyes, that forced smile still perched on her plump little lips. Words had dried in his mouth like cheap alcohol, and for a couple of seconds he just sat there with her hand in his. The warmth of her skin radiated from her palm, comforting in a way, and he looked at her with eyes that scanned her face in quick, flickering motions. The temptation to say no, to tell her there hadn't been any real design in his stopping over to see her, was overwhelming. It would be so easy in comparison to just keep up the charade for one more day, one more week, one more month. He could do it, couldn't he? Continue his pretense? Live his double life? Build something new and wonderful with Lila? He could do it...

"I have to tell you who...what...I am." Hudson heard the words before it sunk in that he'd actually spoken them. His voice sounded normal, albeit a bit lower and softer and huskier than his usual tone. He licked his lips, knowing full well that his tongue was just as parched as the rest of his mouth, and it had nothing to do with dehydration. "I'm not..." It would've been so much simpler to look at his hands, his knees, his boots, the floor. But for all his faults, Hudson wasn't a coward. He looked Lila in the eyes. He owed her that much. "I haven't been honest with you. But..." Hudson felt his voice's desperation to crack, but he forced his vocal chords to reengage and stay steady. The hand that wasn't entwined with Lila's rose to cup her face, his thumb brushing the arch of her cheekbone. "But first, just...just believe me when I tell you that you're the one thing in my life I could never regret. And you're the closest I've ever come to perfection. And I love you more than I could possibly put into words. And seven years ago I killed a man."

**The Dusty Duo** · **Blogger** **The Dusty Duo** *is that latin?*

Lila Barnes

Somehow, deep down she’d always known it could never work.

Lila didn’t know whether it had been in the aftermath of the first time they’d made love, the first time she’d kissed him or even when she’d first even started to entertain the thought of being attracted to Hudson. But somehow in all of these situations, despite the desire to believe that somewhere in the mess her life had ended up in there was some way for her to have a second chance at happiness, she’d known there really wasn’t going to be a happy ending.

Only an hour ago she’d being allowing herself to think otherwise, her more optimistic side envisioning the way things could be after all of the complicated aspects of this situation were over. It may have been a bit early to be thinking about this in being only two months pregnant, but the question of whether the baby was a boy or a girl had shaped each possible outcome. If it was a boy Lila thought it should have brown hair, dark and auburn like hers and a face as handsome as her brothers’ back in Mississippi. Her Daddy had always said the men in their family had dominant genes; if it was a boy there was more than just a possibility that he’d look like a Barnes. But if it was girl Lila didn’t think she’d want it to look like her at all. Thinking about the possibility of the baby being a girl put her in the mind of a doll she’d had when she was little. DeeDo had been her name. The thing Lila remembered about her the most was that she’d had long flaxen blond hair. Her Daddy had given it to her for her 7th birthday and the two of them had been inseparable until Lila was twelve. She’d loved the doll so much that she’d always told herself if she ever had a baby girl when she grew up she wanted her to have blonde hair so she could have another DeeDo. Wanting to choose that particular name may have changed since then, but golden hair on a girl was something Lila still thought would be perfect. Hudson had blonde hair. Blonde hair and the most beautiful sea-green eyes Lila had ever seen. That meant there was a very strong chance that their daughter could have them too…if it was a girl. For all she knew it could have been a boy with blonde hair and aquatic eyes. Or a boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Or a girl with brown hair and brown eyes. The more Lila had thought about it the more she realized that with the way genetics worked it really could have been anything.

But now suddenly thinking about all of that didn’t matter anymore.

She’d been in the middle of trying to figure out why Hudson would feel the need to have to tell her about “what he was” when everything in her mind had come to a screeching halt with the realization that something was wrong. I haven’t been honest with you… Hearing those words made a hollow pit form in the bottom of Lila’s belly. Suddenly she was staring into Hudson’s eyes looking for something she’d never looked for before. Lies. Deceit. Pretense. Just the thought of all these things made everything he was saying now about how perfect she was to him and how much he loved her seem as empty as the pit in her stomach. He’d lied to her. She didn’t know how, but right at this second that didn’t matter to Lila. All she could process was the knowledge that Hudson had just admitted he’d been lying to her all this time. He obviously didn’t care about her the way he said he did; how could he and look at her every day and lie about something apparently important? Almost immediately Lila’s mind started to go over all the possibilities of what it could be.

Hudson was married. That was the most typical one, wasn’t it? He was married (or at least “with” someone else) and maybe even already had children with her. Looking down at his hand clasping hers, Lila didn’t see a wedding ring or the imprint of one on his finger, but since when did that mean anything in these situations? There could still be another woman out there somewhere, someone like her who had been drawn in almost immediately by Hudson’s dark sea-green eyes and mysteriously quiet air. Maybe she’d thought Hudson would take care of her and her child(ren) the same way Lila had only a few minutes ago. Maybe she was wondering where he was right at this very second, having no idea that he was sitting on another woman’s couch, a woman he’d been sleeping with for the past two months and had now gotten pregnant. Maybe Hudson was telling her he hadn’t been honest about that and had to go back to this other woman, whoever she was…

Hudson didn’t love her anymore. Maybe he’d never even loved her to begin with. Considering this possibility was the most difficult by far, but Lila had to acknowledge that it could be true. Men did it all the time; meet attractive women, use a few well-planned words and looks to get what they wanted out of them, then when they were done went on their merry ways without a care or thought for how the woman would feel about it. Based on what she’d come to know (or what she thought she knew) about him, Lila couldn’t imagine this being true about Hudson, but considering he’d just told her he hadn’t been honest with her, anything could be possible.

Breathe, just breathe… Her wavering subconscious tried to tell her mind. The look in Hudson’s eyes was genuinely starting to scare Lila now. He was holding her cheek in one hand and her fingers in the other like he was saying goodbye… He’s leaving me, She thought sinkingly. He came to say goodbye and after tonight I’ll never—

Her mind had still been grappling with the crushing knowledge that Hudson was leaving her for a few moments after she heard it. So much so that at first Lila wasn’t sure she’d heard him right.

”And seven years ago I killed a man…”

Blinking as her full attention returned to the here and now at what had just been said, she looked up and into Hudson’s eyes for one long, silent pause, her eyebrows furrowing in bewilderment. ...What? What did he mean seven years ago he’d killed someone? Lila’s lips parted slowly as her mind still tried to make sense of what she’d just heard. “You—“ She managed to get out but then lapsed back into stunned silence.

This really wasn’t making any sense, this wasn’t the way this conversation was supposed to be going. Hudson was supposed to be telling her how sorry he was that it had to come to this, how even though he loved her that wasn’t going to be enough to get them through a lasting relationship. He should be saying something along the lines of how he’d never forget her, repeating his claim that what he’d had with her was something he could never regret; the sort of things that were supposed to let her down easy—not some sudden nonsensical claim that he’d killed someone. She was supposed to be coming clean about being pregnant right now, shock was supposed to be registering all over his countenance as he realized this changed the situation completely. He should be asking her when she found out about it, if she was sure and how far along she was, then after all that tell her everything was going to be all right, that everything was going to be all right somehow…

But instead all she heard was silence.

Lila was looking into Hudson’s eyes for something, anything that could make what he’d just said seem untrue or something else altogether, but to her horror could only see solemn candor; he’d said it and he’d been perfectly serious. Hudson really had killed someone seven years ago. Somewhere in the chaos of her mind, Lila’s train of thought stopped here. Seven years ago. Seven years. …Seven years? She wasn’t a lawyer, but even she knew murder wasn’t something you got a slap on the wrist for, no matter what legal system you were under. Murderers usually got 10 years in prison at the very lea—

“Oh Go—“

As if it were on fire Lila automatically jerked her hand away from Hudson’s, standing up from the sofa and turning away from him as she pressed the shaking hand to her forehead. Breathing in and out, she began pacing back and forth, mentally (and verbally under her breath) trying to convince herself that none of this was really happening. Hudson was just a repairman at Rutherford Academy. He’d come from Scotland after his mother overdosed on drugs and his brother had been shot to death. That was all— there wasn’t any more. He’d told her that; she’d asked him and he’d told her that.

And you believed him, A harsh, chiding voice in her mind immediately replied. Without one second thought you believed all of it just because he was good with kids and told you you had pretty eyes…

She had. Looking back on it Lila couldn’t believe how stupid she was to have trusted Hudson implicitly from that very first day in her classroom. Had she really been that lonely, that desperate for some form of male affection that didn’t come with physical pain in her life? How could she have been so naïve about a man she’d known nothing about? And how could Hudson have lied about something so serious? How could he keep the truth of what he was from her for so long while all the while he’d known how much he’d come to mean to her, how much she trusted him?

“You kissed me,” Lila said finally, her voice low and unsteady with tears she was still too shocked to even let spring to her eyes. It was as if some projector in her mind had started replaying this out for her to remember better, one memory after another surfacing as reasons for her to desperately continue believing that this could not be happening. “You kissed me that day in the hallway…then at the Black and White Ball you did it again and then y-you asked me to go home with you, Hudson,” She shook her insistently, saying his name but half stating it to herself. “You convinced me to go to bed with you that night when all the while you knew you were…” A murderer? Fugitive? Liar? All of them were true. A part of Lila was still in shock that they were, but the magnitude of the situation was impossible to ignore. This was all really happening; she’d fell for, slept with and gotten pregnant by a man who at this very second should be in a prison cell. Dozens more memories were now starting to come to mind at the thought of it, memories that at the time she’d thought nothing of but now saw for what they’d really meant. Hudson keeping exclusively to himself at the academy save for her and the kids in her class…Hudson never really wanting to go out in very public places when they were together…Hudson starting in bed at the sound of a distant siren…

The signs had been everywhere and she’d never even begun to recognize them. God, she’d been so stupid. Stupid or just really that desperate for someone who…well, just for someone, Lila supposed. Desperation had stopped her from asking any questions all those times she’d woken up in the middle of the night to find Hudson wide awake and staring at the ceiling in frozen silence, his eyes distant as if he were literally hundreds of miles away instead of lying next to her in bed. A part of her deep down had known something was off about it, but Lila had pushed that feeling away, too desperate to hold onto those moments of bliss being with him gave her to disrupt it with any uncomfortable truths. “And you would have ended it.” She stated, starting to vocalize her dismal train of thought as if he’d been able to hear everything going on in her mind. “All those nights, if you’d really thought one of those sirens had been for you, you would have left. No goodbye, no note, no nothing. I just would have woken up one morning and you’d be gone…” Lila finished blankly, seeing the scenario all too well in her mind; the other side of the comforter she was under thrown back as if in haste, the indentation of where his large frame had lay and his lingering scent as the only indicators that Hudson had ever been there, and the cold, sinking feeling from the inside out that only came with knowing you’d been fooled by someone who only a few hours ago had said 'I love you'.

And Hudson would have done that to her, Hudson who only just minutes ago had told her he loved her more than he could put into words.

After confessing that he hadn’t been honest with her, the memory of those words had sounded empty to Lila; now after hearing Hudson confess that he was an escaped felon they made her feel sick. Literally. Pressing a hand to her forehead and the other over her belly, Lila tried to fight the nausea coming over her as she realized that along with his confession, there was another one that still needed to said;

She still hadn’t told him she was pregnant yet.